Thoughts

So its officially Christmas eve, I just returned from my second trip from wal mart . I get so confused with this time of year. I always wonder why people don't celebrate friends and family but once a year . Why is Christmas the only time we have baking festivals and way to many social activities to actually attend? I'm not a scrooge, I love Christmas time. I just wish people would make it a point to show gratitude and humility throughout the year. Seems strange to me to see all the people out in the stores milling around for something, anything . They almost seem desperate , not happy and downright miserable. I don't ever want to reach that point . Even though this last month and majority of the last year has been a test to my sanity, I want to be sure that I don't forget the reason for the season the rest of the year. Very cliche , but that's whats on my mind this Christmas eve.

Feeling Strange

I'm sure I should have a better word then strange. I don't . Its been a strange week. I've been sleepless, restless, spiritless. I've jumped at every sound, every movement, every peculiar thing. Stalking the unpredictable seizure & the neurologist that's out of town. I shouldn't complain, the doctors office called every day to check on Alex until he was back in the office today. The result was reprogramming his VNS implant, and adjusting meds, getting rid of one of the culprits that may have left the "big one" slip through. We also got a fresh script for Diastat ( the rectal gel that stops seizures ) we did not have any this time around since it had been 10 years . So ... I rest a smidge easier knowing I have that in the house.
Meanwhile, Andy and Aaron have returned from their trip to St Louis with my mom and dad, Aaron seems to have caught quite a cough. Hmmm... so now I wonder ... should I be worried about that?! I feel guilty, as if I have given all my energy to Alex and left the younger boys in limbo. I can't win this conversation with myself.
As for tomorrow, Alex is returning to public school, online-homeschooling just isn't for him. He will have a modified schedule with a late start written into his IEP so it allows for any medical issues. I'm uneasy about setting him loose again. I enjoyed having him under my wing the last few months, but at this point I have to accept that I am not the answer to his learning disabilities. I can't be sure public school is the answer, but I know the only private school in this area is 3,000.00 a year and the money fairy hasn't been visiting lately. Admitting defeat is a tough pill to swallow.
I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. We are still scheduled to have Christmas on the Outer Banks. It will be good for all of us to get away and find some solitude and rest for a few days.
There is so much more going on but I suppose I will save that for another post. Just felt like writing tonight. So there ya have it. Strangeness!

It was not such a good day a few days ago

There are certain days that are burned into our minds forever . Last Thursday was one of them. On a normal day I take the younger boys to school and Alex to my mom for the first half of the day. As ironic as it is, Doug happened to have a flat tire when he left for work, he ended up taking my explorer to work. This meant that I called on my mom to take the younger boys to school and then come back to get Alex and I (her small truck won't hold all of us). After stopping to get us we noticed Alex had started a series of myoclonic jerks, which is completely not unusual for mornings. He generally works through them in 10-15 minutes. We stopped and picked up Orange Juice hoping it would help to get something in his stomach with his meds perhaps to help dissolve them quickly. We were on the road for no longer then 3 minutes when the most incredibly terrifying scream pierced through my moms truck .

Let me build the picture, my mom is driving, Alex is sitting behind her in one of the extended cab seats and I'm in the passenger seat. I remember in slow motion looking over my shoulder at the source of this horrible scream and seeing his eyes in the back of head, his whole entire body thrashing , it seemed as though he had stopped breathing, froth at the mouth. He is 5'8 , weighs 160. He is banging his head back against the glass window, his arms are hitting at my mom over the seat , legs pushing her seat forward as far as possible. We are in the middle of a busy state route. I leap as far into the backseat as possible trying to hold down his limbs and protect his head, and keep him from thrashing my mom. We are in mid transit to my work , so I am screaming at my mom to hammer it so we can get him to the hospital. He has not had a grand mal seizure in 10 years. This is scary, that is such a weak word for what I was feeling. The last time we experienced a grand mal he was small , I could protect him, I could hold him.

Realizing we were better off to stop at my employment and then call a squad we took that route. When we arrived at my job , he had started vomiting , that's normal for this type of seizure. I realized he had bitten off the tip of his tongue. The guys from work rushed out to get him out of the small backseat and we layed him flat . He came back to us for a few minutes and then began with more mycolonic jerks , strong enough that he had fallen unresponsive again. The ambulance shows up and instantly gives him oxygen and starts an IV with anti convulsant drugs. They cart him to the ER where it seems like an eternity before he stirs and gives us any indication that he is waking up. He ended up with some really sore muscles from all the seizures, a few bruises from hitting himself against things and grabbing parts of his body, and of a bit of his tongue gone.

I haven't even been remotely the same since. I moved his bedroom back into Andy and Aaron's room. I sleep with one eye and two ears open. I am a mess. He tells me I overreact. Its crazy how he is ready to move past this and forget it happened and I keep reliving it every time I close my eyes. I completely and logically understand that millions of people have seizures everyday. I can't get over seeing his body completely taken over and feeling so helpless to relieve him of the pain. I am certain the adrenaline didn't leave my body for 3 days at least. I had believed we were past him having grand mal seizures, I was wrong. One of the worst feelings is knowing I can't predict them, I can't stop them , feeling completely and utterly helpless at the mercy of his electrical brain activity. Knowing that I have fought so hard to keep them at bay and feeling like I have failed him. Why after 10 years did the big one have to come back? I had grown accustomed to his small myoclonic jerks, his tonic seizures. This I was blindsided with.

I didn't mean to write a book, I needed a place to put it into perspective. I'm amazed that we can do so many medical miracles but we can't cure seizures. It makes me heartsick to think of other children going through this. All I want for him is what every parent wants for their children. I feel helpless and I hate that. Thank You for letting me vent on my blog :-/

The Mrs.

With my time spread thin , I've had several thoughts lately. I'm not sure they are even coherent at this point. First, when I accepted that I can't do it all or have it all, it forced me to prioritize how I spend my time, who I give my energy to, what values I have and what direction I am headed. There are those people in life who literally suck the life out of others, the ones that are selfish ,persons that will take advantage of your generosity, ones you can't trust, people who constantly stir up trouble. There are others who are miserable in their own lives and won't change the situation they are in. While I don't believe in wearing all your emotions on your sleeve, I definitely believe there is something called being "authentic".
I know people who have shut themselves off to emotion , to humankind . That's not where I want to be,but I'm drawing the line . Its long overdue to start trimming the people and situations in my life that are toxic. I think I'm done playing "Mrs. Nice" , and I'm ready to be" Mrs. Show me some respect".

Big Decisions

Leave it to Dr Seuss to give me a quote to remember ..
" sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers simple "
Maybe that makes it harder for me, I tend to believe there isn't ever a simple answer . I over think, over analyze, lets face it... I'm over the top sometimes. Which brings me to whats been going on these days. First , Doug and I have both started back to school. We have a long road to go, but its a start. We are both taking classes for Social Sciences but intend on using them in different ways.
Second, I'm thinking that somewhere in the near future I am sending Alex back to public school. I know .. * gasp * just the thought makes me break out in a sweat, just knowing how nasty some of the kids can be to him. I suppose my thought process with this is a bit all over, but , he asked if he could go back , he misses some friends and the routine. He is one of those that thrives on routine. The online school he is with , is not to gung-ho on routine. The teachers aren't readily accessible , and he is not thriving at all. I don't know that shoving him back into the old grind is the answer, so I plan on having a meeting with the powers that be to see if we can accommodate him a bit more. We will see. I know in the past I've been to stand offish with his teachers. Not so much these days.
The other decision we are making is to spend Christmas at the beach this year. Nothing extravagant, a simple condo with an indoor pool and all the goodies. A 4 night stay, not an entire week. Enough to get away and relax. My side of the family is not into the whole Christmas thing. In fact I am probably the only one on my side of the family that puts up a tree. Doug's family probably won't even notice we are gone , not that I'm saying that in a negative way, more like we all get caught up in our own mumbo jumbo and tend to forget each other sometimes. Nothing like a little Christmas Cheer these days...LOL. Maybe that's why I just wanted my boys to have a memorable Christmas , not with gifts , but memories.
Yes sometimes the answers are so simple. I just have a hard time accepting them.

Happy Birthday Alex

Today my oldest baby turns 15! I simply cannot believe I am old enough to have a child this age! He has gone from this cute little chubby baby to a strong, kind hearted, young man. Ahhh its bittersweet! Hope you have an amazing 15 Alex!

Friends & Family

Not long ago , someone had a conversation with me about family, this person told me how over the years she had learned that family is important but there are times, that its the family you make outside your family, that matters just as much. Not that she was saying family doesn't matter . Family always matters but choosing our battles can be so important. I can't say that I have much experience with extended family, a huge portion of family on both my parents sides are Amish. I've always regretted not having a closer relationship with them , my best guess is that I have over a hundred first cousins. Some of it I chalk up to crazy religious beliefs the Amish have when you leave the church, and some of it just a lack of effort on my part. Lately though I've been thinking about the friends I have made over the years , the ones that have stuck with me for years and years and the new ones I've made in the last year. I'm so appreciative of them, I find myself thinking I take so much from them and don't give back nearly enough. I'm not an easy person to know, I have lots of fences and walls that I keep people at bay with , but the friends that have dared to stick with me are amazing. I suppose you could say I've developed a new appreciation, a new respect, a new realization for those amazing people in my life, family or not.

How its been going...

October has just zipped by without me even blinking. I don't think there has been a single weekend that hasn't been crammed with things to do and places to go. I'm honestly exhausted more then I even thought possible. Work has been busy , enough that I have overtime . That's not something I should be complaining about except that there is so much at home that gets neglected.
Helping Alex with his online school has been like shoving a hundred hot dogs in my mouth and swallowing without chewing. Odd comparison but some days I feel like I am choking on schoolwork with him. I've decided it was the best choice for him, but I have to desperately grasp to find the sunny side up for me. I keep reminding myself its not about me.
I've come to the conclusion that there are some real idiots on eBay. I listed our pop up camper on eBay twice, had someone drive from Tennessee to Ohio only to back out of it because he failed to read the description. The second time , my purchaser was from Kansas and couldn't figure out why I couldn't ship it. REALLY?! I could hardly even justify any answer for that one. Third time must be a charm, my buyer was from Ohio and came to pick up it yesterday and happy as a clam!
Keeping in the spirit of doing new things this year, I went to my first haunted house with Alex, Doug, my niece and nephew. I perhaps had a bit much alcohol trying to calm my nerves , and promptly peed my pants the entire way through it. I don't mind though, I haven't laughed and screamed so much in my entire life.
There is just one more weekend left in October, with any luck we will be hiking through Hocking Hills next weekend trying to soak up all the last bits of sunshine we can! I just need to find the right cruising altitude so that I'm not outside my head with busy-ness!

Happy 8th Aaron!

Today 8 years ago , my youngest little man was born. Aaron Douglas Adkins. He is my hunter, my insane fisherman, intensely independent child. He is wise and sensitive beyond his years and never misses a chance to make me laugh. I sure hope the next 8 years don't go quite as quickly....

Letting Go!

After writing my last post, I felt as though I had really scratched the surface of something. I'm not sure I can even put it into words just yet. Maybe it was a realization that I really can't do it all. I would like to say that I cook my family meals from scratch, milk my own cows, kill my own meat,home school my kids, work full time, always give my boys the attention they need, that I don't ever raise my voice and say ridiculous things in the heat of the moment, I would like to have the laundry caught up and put away, I'd even settle for having clothes that match! The list could go on and on. The reality of it is, I don't want to kill my meat, I don't necessarily like homeschooling Alex, scratch the cows, I can do without the morning , evening milking. I have to ask myself why it matters so much , why would I want to do it all? where did I get the ridiculous idea that I need to do it all to be a successful parent, or adult? The truth of it is, I don't think I would last long being a stay at home mom with my kids all school aged. I feed my kids macaroni and cheese from a box, frozen pizza's, taco's, heck there are nights a bowl of cereal and toast is dinner. That's not to say I'm completely inept at cooking, but I'm ok knowing that I am not Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart. I like my house to be lived in , dog hair and all. I want to hear laughter, to relax, I don't mind making the dishes wait so I can grab a few minutes playing the Wii with the boys. This will all be gone way to fast , and I am fretting about not being able to do it all. We are never promised another day, and I could never forgive myself If I wasted even one more day waiting for the next problem or having feelings of inequality. Somehow its incredibly liberating to let go of those expectations. Whats wrong with just being authentic to oneself?!

Hanging On

It all started with glance in the rear view mirror and the sight of a fresh patch of gray hair. It hit me , lately I feel I'm hanging on to that one shred of frayed rope , just waiting for the next crisis to solve, the other shoe to drop, or the next fire to put out. I can't imagine its normal to feel this overwhelmed, this buried, this exhausted. Some days I stare in the mirror and don't even know who is staring back at me. I vaguely remember getting the younger boys dressed , packed and off to school, I vaguely remember waking up Alex , dispensing his meds , getting him set for a day of online classes. Vaguely. I'm embarrassed to say how much effort it takes for me to function some days. I can't face another mountain of laundry taller then me, can't face all the unfinished projects around the house, or helping with one more homework assignment. I am burned out. I can't pinpoint where it all went south. I just know I'm definitely in the southern hemisphere somewhere close to the south pole.

A weighty issue

2 weeks ago I ventured to the doctor for some final advice on my weight, I had actually contemplated doing bariatric surgery , and just needed some raw advice on what I needed to do.
I am at my highest weight... ever. Even 9 months preggers I weighed 50 pounds less then now. The doctors office did a battery of tests on me, surely someone at my weight would have health complications, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, ... something.. thankfully, I am healthy as a horse. Just fat. The doctor scratched his head in amazement that I had no other health issues. I will take that as a positive. Being this healthy though negated my qualifications for bariatric surgery. Now what? I cried the whole way home , I didn't have any answers, I wanted it fixed , now. Anyone who has battled the weight demon knows it doesn't happen just like that. I've been on diets before , losing 20 pounds and then regaining 30 and back and forth. The old teeter totter effect. Now its to the point where 20 or 30 pounds lost isn't going to be enough.
I'm not completely oblivious to what got me here, first of all, my genes are Amish, my momma knows how to cook a mean meal, we like our bread and real butter! My grandparents owned a bakery. The odds were so stacked against me :-) Suffice it to say, I know good food, I really really like good food.
My next battle was postpartum depression, I went on medications after each birth, and yep , gained weight on each medication. Even though I went off the medications years ago, the weight didn't go with it .
I'm not looking to be a crazy skinny size, I don't even have a number in my head weight wise. I just know I need to feel better, I need to be able to move better, and not feel so sluggish. I'm not willing to completely give up my pizza and pastries, but I have figured out that using the weight watchers point system is working thus far. I've lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks, and in that 2 weeks I've eaten pizza from the local pizza shop, cream sticks from an Amish bakery, and french fries from the fair. I'm not buying any weight watchers food either, I've just become ultra aware of my eating triggers and what I'm reaching for. I haven't been hungry and I don't feel like I've been cheated . Its to early to tell if this is going to be a complete success but I'm hopeful.

It has to be said

In this world of texting, blogging, facebooking, myspacing, tweeting, emailing and about a million other things , I'm sure that people have lost any common sense they may have had. People have no problem taking jabs at each other, saying things they would never say to other peoples faces, and being completely disrespectful. I've seen it in the blogs, with anonymous comments, odd facebook comments that clearly are patronizing or degrading. Emails that let loose a virtual assault on someone, or forwarding text messages that clearly should be erased asap! My problem is this, if you aren't man or woman enough to say it to my face, then don't type it, don't text it, don't tweet it. If I update my status on facebook, or myspace, don't assume you know what I'm referring to. There is no MUST LEAVE COMMENT button on facebook or myspace, sometimes its just a general reference to something going on in my mind. Honestly I think many of us have lost the human contact factor. If your not saying it in person, how do we know if its a ha..ha.. thing ... or a I'm really serious thing. I'm not sure many people take that into consideration when they are sitting behind the computer screen thinking they are being sly and smart. Maybe I'm old fashioned or a prude, but I think even though we all have this incredible freedom to communicate virtually anywhere anytime , we still owe each other respect, dignity, and common courtesies. Now ... if you'll excuse me I think I will step off my soapbox.

I've been ever so slightly busy

Where has September gone? I just noticed I blogged twice this past month. I'd like to say I was off saving the world with my incredible super powers but alas I was only keeping my head above water most of the month. Alex has started his online courses and is off to a great start. I have to fess up and say the first week I was pretty sure I would have something resembling a nervous breakdown. Thankfully I have friends that use the same online school and came over to calm me down and walk me through it! Its taking some adjustment , but I must say he is a completely different child, blossoming in ways that make my heart sing! For that I am thankful beyond words for.
This month I've also come to terms with my weight, I'd like to announce some big old diet that's going to work wonders on me, but I'm really trying to be realistic about it. Anyone who knows my family would say that I'm pretty similar to my Aunt Katie ... round, very round. I mean that in a good way -- she is cute as a button , I just don't want to run into the same health problems she has , but its safe to say I am her . So its one day at a time, eating a balanced diet ... ( so much for my Reese cups and mt dews!! ) and learning to be more active. Gosh that's a tall order!
I hate even referring to it, it makes me ill, but to those wondering , we reported Andy's stalker to the proper people and hopefully they will take care of the rest. That's been a tough lesson to learn.
Aaron has been dragging along a low grade fever the last couple of days , I'm trying to be calm about it , the first thing my mom suggested was the swine flu. I'm not willing to go that far .. yet. Andy's seems to have taught Aaron the old " hold the thermometer on the light bulb trick .... and I keep finding him reading books with a flashlight well after bedtime. Hmmm.... I'm starting to put two and two together.
Other then the normal mumbo jumbo and adjustment to homeschooling Alex, crazy Internet predators, and a may or may not be fever ridden child.. I've scratched my way through September . On the positive side, Alex got his first deer of the season tonight and I cannot wait to get the meat back! So bring on October, it can only get better !

a sickening experience

Before I start my story , Yes, my oldest 2 sons have cell phones . There are times when I feel like people get so focused on that and their own opinions that everything else is lost. I have my reasons for letting them have the phones, that being said this story has a much larger point. An extremely important point that more people need to understand. I have always been the kind of mom who checks, scans, and reads various forms of communication whether its myspace, text messages, facebook, voice mails. I admit that I probably teeter the edge of invading privacy, its a fine line . Having said that, tonight I was looking through Andy's phone , which I do quite often, and found text messages and a picture of a man . After some further questioning ( read interrogate ) I found out that this "person" met Andy, playing an online game and said he was 12, looking for friends... blah blah blah. Big shocker here.... this "person" is well over 12 .... lets say somewhere in his late 20's. The text messages where sexual, and he only referred to himself as his screen name online . Doug called the phone number , which had a New York exchange, and a man answered and hung up promptly after Doug asked why he was sending lewd messages and pictures to a 10 year old boy. I hope you see where I'm going with this story. I think this person is a very sick individual , I think he had other plans for Andy , to what extent no one knows. I know this has hit close to home and I'm not taking it lightly.
As much as I try to hover over my boys, to know every move before they make it, I can't always catch things the minute they happen. Even without a cell phone , or Internet access, the dangers are huge, we have 2 sex offenders living within a baseballs throw of our house and God knows how many are out there undetected. So if the predator is not coming in through electronic devices, they are lurking elsewhere. I can't put my boys in a bubble , this is a heart wrenching reminder that I need to educate them more then ever, that not everyone has good intentions.
I know someone who was molested for years by a trusted teacher , and church member .... and no one caught it . So yes , the electronic age makes it more convenient for these sick people, but if we are vigilant as parents we can keep ahead of the wolf.

a quickie catch up

Today I turned 34, not exactly a monumental moment, but not as scary as I thought. Somewhere in my mind I literally stopped aging in my mid twenties. That's another story , anywhoo... it was a marvelously fun birthday , I truly have amazing friends and family. I am blessed !
I haven't blogged much lately, the last week has been a blur, I took a giant leap of faith and withdrew Alex from public schooling and started him with online classes through Ohdela , his laptop and printer along with some books arrived today and it looks like its time to jump in the frying pan and see what I'm really made of. That is overwhelming for me to think of, I just need to have faith in myself and Alex that we can do this.
Somehow it just feels like another chapter in my life is starting, the pages have turned without my consent, but its forcing me to demand better for myself, my children, my family. So , as with everything , life moves on at its own pace and I'm hanging on for dear life .

Alex

I don't often blog about Alex being Epileptic. Somehow I feel if I do , I am giving the seizures power. More power then they already have. Maybe in some ways I'm still frozen in time, stuck back in 1999 , still in denial that these vicious things called "seizures" could possibly have affected my child. He was 4 when they started and now he is staring 15 right in the eye. I'm not sure where the last 10 years went, he wasn't even in kindergarten and now he has started high school. It was so much easier when he was younger to protect him, not only physically but emotionally. Sometimes I feel as if I've been overprotective, and not pushed him out of the nest enough, and other times I'm pretty sure I should have been more so. I know now, that he is going to be hearing the word "no" to some pretty important things in the next year or so, not just from me but from his neurologist. It gives me a very large lump in my throat, and ache in my heart to know he won't be driving with the rest of his classmates, and that the names they call him when his body seizes hurts him more then any physical pain they could impart. I used to be able to protect him , I don't feel like that anymore. He is coming to the age where he isn't oblivious to what Epilepsy means for his future. Its raw and right there in his face. I hate having to wipe away his tears and not have answers for the "why me , mom?" What we talk about is this. We don't have time to sit and feel sorry for ourselves, we are alive, we can walk, talk, eat, drink, laugh, run ,we have all our limbs, we can see and hear, we are breathing! That's so much more then many others can say. Even though somedays my heart feels like its being ripped out of my chest, and it feels like I'm being washed out to sea, I will keep his chin up and his hopes even higher.

They make me smile

Me, the Enabler

Enabling, I've been lost in thought once again and trying to define a few situations in my life and somewhere out of the clear blue that word popped into my mind, and it was like the light had been switched on . I even googled the word to get a deeper meaning ... ( what did I do before I had google ? ) Seems like everywhere I look, it applies. I know I've been bombarding my poor blog with a whole lot of heavy "stuff" . The past few weeks have just given me a heavy heart . I feel as if I've been dragging the same issues with me for years and I need to shed them. Its so much easier said then done, where is the fairy with the fairy dust to make everything ok again?

Pieces of me

Maybe its the dawn of a new school year looming in front of us, or absence that brings about new realizations. Its yet another signal that the boys have grown , and time is marching on. I look at my boys and wonder if I've instilled the right values, if I've given them enough that they will have wings to fly. Have I been a positive influence ? have I made the right choices? I always wonder what shines through when I'm not around. Are they kind ? respectful of themselves and others? what part of me have I planted into their being? I notice their friends and characteristics that I see shining through from the parental units , or in some cases lack of parental units. I see parents completely oblivious to what their kids are doing outside of parental presence and wonder ... am I one of those? am I missing the big picture? Someone at work made the comment to me that I was "one" of those moms... the kind that checked her kids myspace page and flipped through text messages . It wasn't said in a positive tone, but that's ok. I don't feel shame that I check on what my teenager is up to. It goes without saying that I started having kids much younger than I should have, so many mistakes, so many bad choices. Now I feel the urgency to know that despite all of that , I will have raised 3 young men who know what love, compassion, and joy feels like. Only time will tell what piece of me they've taken with them, I'm still learning, still stumbling, still praying.

What they've been up to!

With Alex and Aaron in St Louis, and Andy in North Carolina ... I'm pea green with envy, but glad they are all home and all had a fantabulous time! As you can see Alex and Aaron spent loads of time in the hot tub and pool, Aaron snapped the cool picture of the Arch, and I finally got a picture of the boys and their personal chef ! He feeds my boys good while they are visiting. Andy had a blast in North Carolina with his friend Cole, they did some wine tasting, ocean fishing, and sand castle building and about a hundred million other things. Kudos to Cole's parents for being brave enough to take Andy for an entire week ;o) Its good to have the house back to its chaotic crazy normalcy!

Forward Ho!

Things have been moving at an incredible pace at the Adkins household! After getting Aaron back on his feet, we have managed to resume life at a breakneck speed... Andy left last Saturday for his second beach vacation this summer, his friend Cole invited him to spend a week at the beach with the family, about a mile from where we went in early June. Needless to say I'm green with envy. Doug has gotten a wild hair up his hoo-hoo and purchased a Jeep, it needs help, but all the fellow Jeepers tell me that's the perfect kind to have... hmm.. last weekend we went to Tappan Lake with our friends and ended up tubing,boating and doing a little fishing. It was Alex's first experience on a tube... ohh I cannot believe I didn't have my camera .. it was priceless! Tomorrow I'm packing up Alex and Aaron to go on a trip to St Louis with my parents, and yes that leaves just Doug and myself here at the house. I gotta say ... that's kinda scary. I don't think we have been without all or at least some of the kids in .... 14 years? I've got PLANS for him... NO NO not that ... hopefully he will get our bedroom painted , carpet taken out and a new light fixture put in! hey... I can dream .. right?! side note --- school starts in 14ish days... I have nothing purchased . Serenity Now!

2 hospitals, 1 Ambulance, & 9 hours later

We are home! Last Wednesday Aaron was diagnosed with Mono. His tonsils were huge but didn't show strep, his pediatrician prescribed a steroid to shrink up the tonsils , the same steroid that Alex and Andy have taken off and on for years when they have bronchitis, or strep throat. I didn't notice any improvement from the tonsils with the medication but he wasn't declining either. Sunday morning we woke up to the sound of Aaron vomiting and screaming, when I get to the bathroom he has the toilet filled with blood and he is dry heaving. I checked out his tonsils and attributed the blood coming from his tonsils. After 4 episodes like this, I decided it had to be more. I bypassed the local ER or as we call it, the band aid station, and took him an hour north to another hospital. They needed to stick a tube down Aaron's nose and into his stomach to drain the blood out of his stomach. He wasn't amused , but sat perfectly still as they poked and prodded him. When the ER doc saw what was coming from his tummy, he immediately called for us to go to the children's hospital in Akron.
I was praying for both of our lives in the back of that ambulance, the driver was young, talking on his cell phone and jamming out to music and FLYING. The older medic in the back with us had to keep telling him slow down. Holy Smokes that was scary. After making it to Akron, they finished cleaning out his stomach, stopped the bleeding, and removed about 7 tubes from his body. They also gave him some morphine for pain, and that was almost funny, he was seeing rainbows, and smiley faces on that stuff ;o) Basically what had happened is the steroid he had been on for 5 days had eroded his stomach and he had been bleeding from his belly. He is on a strict diet for the next week, and has 3 meds to take for his stomach for the next 8 weeks. He has slept most of today and that's a good sign, no more vomiting, no more blood from strange places. So I think I will try to catch up on my sleep too!

Changes

I haven't been posting much lately, seems as though everyday has a new set of changes, a new challenge for me to figure out.Emotionally and mentally speaking I'm pretty sure the last week has handed me situations that have made me question everything that seemed good & stable .
What I can say is that, it has made me slow my pace , think about my life, my relationships with family, and friends. Who I need to be, want to be, and what I'm not.
Lately I've felt as if I'm just existing, going through the motions , treading water, just keeping my head above the waves. Until this week, the waves pounded at my heart, at my body, at my mind. Daring me to let it get the best of me. After the initial surge , I felt as if my eyes had been cleared , if even for a moment. It was clearer then ever who I didn't want to become, that I need to give the boys the wings they need to fly. Its been a battlefield inside my head, but I'm feeling better about the direction things are headed. Its never easy for me to see my friends & family struggle, or their heartaches, but it stirred something deep inside me that had been dormant for a very long time. Maybe one day I will have the right words to say in their time of need, maybe I will know exactly what to do to help .....

Wahoo ! Its Over!

Yes, the season is over! I really do enjoy watching Andy and Aaron play baseball, but there comes a times where I'm over it. Andy's team made it to the championship but ended up losing, I'm still so doggone proud of them! Andy also finished up the all star tournaments this weekend and yes, they lost every game they played, but again... darn proud! Andy has thread marks from a pitch that hit his elbow today , he is wearing that wound like a badge of honor.
Today was also the end of the season party for Aaron's baseball team, Aaron's coach would like to bump him up next year to the minor leagues instead of coach pitch. Ummm... NO. Aaron will be 8 in October but he only weighs 40 pounds soaking wet! We are talking about 9-10 year old boys pitching to my little man. The thought makes me cringe! Other than that conversation, we had lots of good food and let the kids run rampant, they needed that .
If anyone is wondering how Alex's horse experience went, it was awesome. He was on the BIGGEST horse I've ever seen in my life, I had my camera but ... didn't have the nerve to snap a pic... the horse's name was trigger... wonder if that means anything.... Next time though I will take some pics, I think Alex is a natural on a horse.
Now, we just have Andy's end of the year party to host next Saturday , I'm looking forward to more good food, some cornhole, a bonfire, and just plain relaxing!
I'm in complete denial that school starts in about a month. YIKES!

A Solid 5

I thought that when my boys were babies and needed to be fed at night , diaper changed, or rocked ,that it was exhausting. I remember collapsing into bed and sleep would take over. I anticipated the years where they would sleep through the night , and I would get that glorious night of sleep, just thinking about it was complete euphoria! Fast forward a few years and I would give anything to "just" have to get up at night to feed the baby or change a diaper. Now more then ever, sleep eludes me like a thief in the night. I find myself laying in bed , eyes wide open, mind racing into the next days schedule. Going over things I've forgotten . Feeling a rush of panic that my housework is so far behind . I listen for the faintest sound of a seizure creeping up on Alex. There isn't anything productive I'm doing during those wee hours of the night, our house is small and sounds carry, so all I would manage to do is wake up the entire household.
I know I don't function with all my cylinders running on the amount of sleep I get each night , I find myself making mistakes with the finances, appointments, work related things, even medications I have managed to mix up. This lack of sleep is wrecking havoc on me! Is a solid 5 hours of sleep asking for to much? I could have real potential with that much sleep under my belt!

one more piece of the puzzle

Its been awhile since I have felt the winds of change , or the smell of opportunity .With Alex's new diagnoses as " aspbergers ", it set me into a tailspin discovering all the clues I missed when he was younger . Hind sight is 20/20. I refuse to look in the rear view mirror. I made a promise , a commitment to him & myself when he was diagnosed at 4 with epilepsy that I would do whatever it takes to grow him into a strong, confident, successful man -regardless of his seizures. We have been blessed with extraordinary health care most of those years, so with the teen years here , I started noticing things I thought abnormal. We went down every road , trying to rule out certain things, while managing his seizures. That can be a bumpy ride...lol. I found a qualified doctor that explained all the symptoms of aspbergers and it was a lightening bolt being fired into my head . I get it. This made so much sense. We started 2 new meds that have given him a new lease on life. He is still very quiet, intense, clumsy, socially awkward is putting it mildly. He goes to a therapist twice a month , who helps him sort out all those strange things bubbling through his head. Ok, so I'm getting to a point here, recently we discovered a horse farm 3 minutes from our house that does therapeutic horse riding. So tonight we took him there to sign up , he not only signed up for lessons, he signed up to volunteer with the horses, taking care of them, & helping some of the more challenged riders. That's incredible, he was so touched by the horses, and of the physically challenged riders, that it made him step back and rethink his outlook on life. We have been refusing to let him feel sorry for himself, yes most of his friends are getting driving permits, and yes they can go to roller coasters. But in the big spectrum of life . how important is all that? just a glimmer of hope that he will bond with these horses and feel like he belongs and fits. Of course we all know he does belong , and fits. Its just a matter of having him believe that in himself. I won't give up until he feels it from the inside out .

Sunday Late Edition

Its been another crazy week and I haven't posted as often as I would have liked. Here is the basic update of things happening in our world. Andy's baseball team made it to the championship game but ended up losing the game, which we aren't complaining about . We are pretty dang pleased we made it to the championship game ;o)

The baby coon we rescued had to be released, he managed to cross over into the rabbits cage, and although he did them no harm, he looked like he could snap at any given minute.

Alex decided not to go to epilepsy camp this summer, the epilepsy foundation moved it farther away from home and he wasn't willing to be that far away for a week. We learned from last years camp that he really enjoys horses. We have been scratching our heads trying to figure out how to use that to our advantage. I have enough yard that I could have a horse for him, but I'm not willing to make that big of a commitment to such a large animal. What I came across is a horse farm only a few miles from me that specializes in horse riding and training kids with disabilities such as epilepsy and aspbergers . Eureka! He is going in tomorrow evening for his intake appointment. Programs like this give me incredible hope.
The 4th of July was gone in a heartbeat, we spent our day at Brian & Diane's , cooking out, playing corn hole, and basketball, letting the kids run rampant!

The next few weeks should slow down a bit , Alex will still be with his bowling league Wednesday nights, Andy has one more tournament to play in ,the boys have swimming lessons and we will have our big after party for the baseball team on the 25Th.

No , there isn't any earth shattering news to blog about, Just my life unwinding one day at a time

starting off the week

Yep its Monday , and this week is off to a crazy start ~ tonight , Andy's team advanced in the playoffs even further, they are 1 game away from the championship & Andy was picked for the all star team! YAY! In other news.. Doug is off this week but seems to have a serious problem with youtube .... its like an addiction, give him some mt dew and youtube and he is a happy for hours ! Alex is suffering his first real heartbreak, wow , I have forgotten how it feels to be 14 and have your heart crushed... Aaron has a new obsession with fishing, there is a tremendous farm pond that we have access to and the fish there are monsters! He would fish from dawn to dark if he was allowed to . He has gotten to the point of being without bait, and still throwing out his line... hoping the fish will just bite on the hook. What a crazy beginning to a crazy week....

Go Warsaw Warriors!!

Things I Think About

At 2am , I'm sleepless yet again ... so as I sit and let my mind idle , I have decided to jot down a list of things I wonder about or think about often ... very random ...

• if you knew your friend was being cheated on by his/her spouse , would you tell them?
• why do people work so hard on making their lives *look* good when they are miserable? this one really bothers me, its like living a lie...
• religion is incredibly powerful - good & evil -
• who are we to judge Michael Jackson?
• where are parents these days? society has gone mad...
• why does have Alex have seizures? ( medically speaking I know ) I am looking for a deeper understanding
• forgiveness is difficult, painful , and beautiful
• I need to go back to school
• is it possible to be satisfied? or are we as people always striving for something *more *?
• if you don't have trust, you have nothing
• how do you tell an adult to stop whining, and feeling sorry for themselves?
• why do I feel so guilty every night while I'm laying in bed, mentally paging through the days activities and feeling like I missed those moments with the boys , that I can't have back!
• why are the words * I'm sorry * so difficult to say and mean
• why is adoption so difficult ? yet we as a society will give back someones kids that is verbally , emotionally , and physically abusive.

well that's just a sampling of what flys through my mind constantly, I'll try to catch some zzzz's , as its almost 3 AM .

Just Breathe

Summer is flying by , July is creeping ever closer, so many things I want to do . I get myself into a summer frenzy and become oblivious to what makes summer so magical. Today walking past my flower bed I noticed they had gone stark wild! That old adage stop and smell the flowers came to mind immediately , it was a subtle subconscious reminder to relax , live in the moment . I'm making a concerted effort to slow down , lower my expectations and live each moment completely and wholly. Now if I could only fit a few more hours into the day.....

Fathers Day

Ok, so I'm a little late posting on the subject of fathers day but I had excellent reasons, honestly. The boys and I conspired to kidnap Doug for the day , doing things that Doug likes to do. Soooo. We woke him up early Sunday morning and made him shower and throw some clothes on , jump in the car and drive us to an unknown destination. I hid the GPS in my lap and turned down the volume so he couldn't hear, but kept it to where I was sure I knew where we were headed. Our destination was Hocking Hills State Park, its amazing , really that's not quite strong enough of a word and one day isn't nearly enough to take it all in, we will be going back ...soon~! We were climbing through rocks, up the hills, through the caves, playing in waterfalls.... it was entirely to much fun , and believe me, I never thought I'd enjoy all that hiking but it was extraordinary! I'll post some of the better pics , and if you want to see more head over to my facebook ;o) oh yeah.... andy has a completely cheesy smile, he really doesn't normally look like his teeth are like horse teeth... LOL

Mr Coon

I'm working on how to say no but in the meantime .... a man I work with found this little guy next to his mama who had been hit on the road , and of course Mr Coon ended up with us! He is shy, not to trusting just yet, but was eager to eat Alex's leftover shrimp. He will let you pick him up and pet him , just don't startle him or he tends to nip. I don't know what my long term plan is for him yet, but darn he is cute!

Growth

As I have mentioned before in my posts , Alex had a friend, a classmate , that took his own life this past Decemeber. When his funeral and viewing were taking place, Alex refused to go. I didn't push . I made sure we talked about it, he attended some counseling sessions to help him make sense of what happened. I was never sure that I had made the right decision to not take Alex to the viewing and funeral. Tonight , on the way to bowling leagues , Alex said he would like to visit the cemetary his friend has been buried in. We agreed after his league that we would stop and look for his burial. After a little searching we came across a beautiful white cross with his friends name etched in it, surrounded by flowers , a baseball, an actual picture, and an angel holding a marker next to a soccer ball. The note said "all who visit please sign the ball" . There were no words needed from Alex, I saw every emotion he had kept inside for so long cross his face, he held the soccer ball, studied the baseball, read and reread the poem on the cross and writings on the ball, he wept from the depths of his soul . Quietly he said goodbye to his friend, on his own terms , in the privacy of a wooded cemetary , he signed the ball with shaking hands , promising to bring back the guitar magazine his friend had wanted to borrow only days before his freinds death. Tonight I saw Alex grow in unmeasurable depths of character, loyalty, compassion and spirituality. It was without doubt the most touching , soul wrenching experience in my 15 years of motherhood.

Over It

Its official , I'm so over it. Yes, I'm referring to baseball. While I'm venting on that one, let me add lack of parenting to the list of things that I'm completely O.V.E.R. Andy's Tournaments have started, we finished the regular season in second place, so we are definitely sitting in a good spot. We played a team tonight that didn't win a single game during the entire season. The coaches, parents are completely and totally off the hook. At one point I wasn't sure we were playing baseball or football. Every call the umpires made had to be contested and dissected, they seriously got out the "rule" book to try and make the case that one of our players bunted incorrectly. Can we please just play the game? I hate hate hate games like that. We have crazy parents sitting in the bleachers screaming that our kids need to suck it up....uhh yeah... classy. The last sentence I'm referring to are Aaron's games. Which are actually 6-7 year old kids , coach pitch. Good Lord, if the parents are acting like complete morons, how do we expect the kids to play with good sportsmanship , and truly enjoy sports? The icing on the cake is that Andy is also playing a game or two with the next league up , the Warsaw team has had a few injuries and called up two players from Andy's normal league to play during their playoffs. Ohhh I can't wait to deal with double the crazies!!

Nextly... I just love using that word, not that I'm even sure its a word. I am utterly peeved that I allowed Alex to stay at his friends house for the night, and his friends mom decided to "go out" that night . She didn't get home until the wee hours of the morning, leaving Alex and his friend alone most of the night. I realize they only live a few doors down, and that they are 14. Would I have consented to this sleep over if I had known she was going to be gone? NO. I would like to think that Alex has a good head on his shoulders.. however, he is 14, hormone's out of control, and itching for independence. I need to mention that this town is full of unsupervised girls and all kinds of access to illegal substances . Enough said on that one. Am I being dramatic? I'd like to think not. I just expect adults to act with some shred of common sense , and decency . God help that little hussy of a mom if Alex had a seizure while on her watch.

OK, if you have actually finished reading this post, thank you for bearing with me while I went off the deep end of an empty swimming pool , hopefully my sanity will return at the end of the baseball season.

ramblings

This has been a topsy turvy week for sure. Coming back from a dreamy week at the beach is always a huge dose of reality in the face, no holds barred! Above and beyond all that, there is a burning subject flickering in my mind. Isn't it amazing how many people you can find online via facebook or myspace just to name a few sites. I'm not the most social person on earth, I have very few really good friends. That's just me, how I am, how I function. I have many people I talk with , or what I consider to be acquaintance's. Somewhere on TV I heard someone say " I will not like you , before I like you " as strange and odd as that sounds I find that phrase fits me pretty well. Not that I'm condoning it . For now , it fits me. So when I log on to my facebook account and see I have a friend request from someone I worked with 5 years ago. I have all these feelings rushing through me, I left that job , which I had for about 10 years , abruptly. I had some HUGE personal issues happening, I am quite sure I didn't treat many people as I should have on my way out , I made some poor decisions , didn't know which way my life was going. Suffice it to say I was lost. I've never been back , and only on rare occasions get an email from one of my then best friends that still works there. I have kept things very bland , not indulging on the personal life etc.
So normally I would just click on Yes , accept . I loved this girl! She had my back many times! But then there is that little devil on my shoulder wondering if her intentions are pure. I admit I've added friends just so I could be nosy and snoop around there pages. As looney as it sounds, I feel if I accept an invite that I'm allowing the person into my personal space , and yes, I have spacial issues. That's putting it mildly. Well my little life has regained its course , 50 miles away , and people from years ago are slowly trickling into my friend request box . I guess its time to suck it up and be a big girl about it.

back to reality

Oh its so hard to get back to reality! The beach was positively magical . We had dolphins swim so closely it felt as if we could reach out and touch them. The boys played in the waves until they were exhausted, we ate until we felt like exploding, laughed until our sides were splitting. Yes... it was a great vacation.....

so far....

Its only been one full day into our vacation and we have boogie boarded, fished, sat in the surf, eaten seafood, and yes those pina colada's I've been talking about. As luck would have it, there was a major issue with the home we had rented so we were upgraded to a 6 bedroom , 5 bath house. It has 5 floors and two huge decks overlooking the ocean that we spent quite a bit of time laying on tonight staring the stars and just being speechless . Nature is amazing!

We're outta here!

We Are Outta Here! OK, maybe not technically... but in less then 24 hours... we are outta here and on our way to North Carolina, to the beach. I haven't completely packed up things yet, I'm a professional procrastinator... or maybe I just function better under pressure. Anyways, I thought I would share a few pics of where we are staying. I'm taking my laptop , thank goodness our little cottage has wireless internet! Maybe I'll post a few real time pics from there, or I might be a little to busy drinking pina coladas & strawberry daiquiris... maybe...

Ramblings

The last couple of weeks have been a complete whirlwind . We've had 5 baseball games a week between Aaron and Andy. Andy's team is doing fantastic! They are 8-0 and he has not struck out thus far this season. Wahoo! Aaron's little team is so darn cute, but they have only won 1 game, they seem to be up against some tough competition this year. Beyond the whole realm of "baseball world" which yes, life does exist outside that. We have been readying for vacation, working in the yard , trying to catch up on all those projects warm weather brings on. I've come to accept that I am not super mom , I can't do it all, and that's OK. Alex is doing remarkably well this baseball season, he doesn't play the sport. His neurologist says no. However this is the first year we have not had complete and utter meltdowns from him on not being able to play. I'm sure I've said it before but I'm going to say it again. Its heart wrenching and completely by far the most painful feeling in the world to have him sit at his brothers games watching , knowing how much he wants to play and saying no. On the upside, Alex's summer bowling league started up and right out of the gate be busted his record into splinters! He has so much drive and passion for what he is limited in participating in. Frustrating.

On another note, I was reading through someones blog -- randomly-- no one I know . Who also had a son with epilepsy and cured the seizures with the ketogenic diet. I think that's wonderful , but my beef is the way the blog was written made it seem as if having epilepsy was some sort of punishment from God. Alex also read this blog and it stirred up many emotions from him I didn't even know where there. He demanded to know why God would punish him , that obviously the God I have presented as a parent , that he has learned about , that he prays to , would not punish him with seizures. Life is inexplicable sometimes, why do some people have illnesses that others don't? That blog really buttered my biscuits. I've been stewing over it for days now. I know its time to let it go, I guess its my first time getting caught up in "blog drama" , and a heads up that what I write , and write about doesn't stop at my screen , that people could perceive what I'm writing as the opposite of what I'm truly conveying.

Also in the last few weeks Alex was diagnosed with Aspergers , I'm still learning what that means, all I know is that --things finally make sense --yes I have put him on more medication , that was a struggle for me, but we are seeing many positive changes, he is really enjoying being him . Someday I could write a book on the life of Alex Adkins. He is far beyond his almost 15 year old age. Oddly, Yahoo had a front page article this past week on how epilepsy and aspergers share a common gene, and the two often travel hand in hand. Of course this information would have helped years ago but right now its time to heal and to embrace whatever God has planned for each of us, move on , and live life.

Vacation Time

So here it is, vacation time. I'm in denial. Sound weird? Usually I am packed, locked, and loaded . Not so much this year. I'm not sure what has changed since last year, my mind has gone haywire and I can't seem to organize a darn thing. We are leaving next Friday for North Carolina, this year its Topsail Beach, we normally head a little further south to Holden Beach ( my fave so far ). Although last year was an offbeat year we stayed on the 4x4 beaches in Corolla with the wild horses. It was about 10 miles up the beach in the sand to our house. Everyone should visit there at least once in their lives. Incredible. Back to this year though, I'm the biggest beach fan around. I draw the line at myrtle or Virginia beach. I'm not into crowded public beaches. For me , going to the beach is almost akin to a spiritual experience. I am able to feel something deep within my heart... where it feels so free and happy and to see something so vast that God has created, it is there that I don't feel I am ever alone... I feel whole. The wind in my face and hair just make me feel alive. No where else naturally... do I feel that alive. It really does mean that much to me.
The next step is to figure out how to get my ducks in a row ! I've got to do some laundry , sift through the droves of clean unfolded clothes and pack the troops up! I have a serious habit of over thinking things so I just need to jump in the fire! I'm going to have to ignore the next 8 baseball games and bowling leagues until I've got a handle on the insanity ;o)
Watch out --there is going to be a whole lotta crazy over here!

a little man with many intrests

How many baseball players do you see sitting around before a game strumming their Ukulele ? Aaron is quite an eclectic little man, he sure keeps our world interesting ;o)

4 Years Ago

Its hard to believe its been 4 years since we decided to move south. OK , not so far south, but in theory it feels like a whole different world. I still scratch my head and wonder how 60 miles can seem like crossing over in the twilight zone at times. So just for kicks I've decided to list the top 10 things I have noticed since moving 60 miles south.

1. The word "home" is pronounced "HOUUME"
2. "Washing" really means " WARSHING "
3. Its perfectly normal to hear gun shots any hour of the day and its not a big deal...
4. We are definitely out numbered by deer
5. The post office and hardware still close for lunch time
6. EVERYONE chews tobacco -- even the ladies
7. If you wear anything other then jeans , people wonder what your up to
8. Our town still has one of those old fashioned fire sirens, the first time I heard it I thought we were under enemy attack
9. Frog gigging and bow fishing are common
10. The only radio station I get in plays gospel, rap, rock, alternative, country, and hosts a two hour morning talk show where the locals call in and complain about EVERYTHING

These aren't necessarily the most important changes I've noticed , but they sure got my attention. Don't get me wrong, I would move all over again, we have met some incredible people, made many new friends, and this area is beautiful! People here are friendly, almost to a fault. Its good to live " in town" but have a backyard that goes into the woods and river . I think I might be getting spoiled by the small town life, and that's just fine with me ;o)

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day to my momma ;o) She doesn't get nearly enough credit for all she does! In the last year she has moved about 5 houses down from me and she is my right hand most of the time! Even though we rarely see eye to eye, we laugh about it , argue, and move on . She is taking a well deserved trip the Wheeling , WV today to do some gambling. So bring home the big dough mom!~

More Baseball!

Andy's season is finally up and running~! I actually remembered the camera this time! They are undefeated this season , yeah yeah ... its early in the season ! Andy hit his first home run earlier this week , and at tonight's game they shut the other team down with a 24-2 final score! Andy did a great job pitching , and stole home tonight! I think they have a great team this year, we will see!