A New Year

Well its so long to 2010 . I want to wash it, scrub it, delete it, from my memory! There is just something about a new year, it conjures up hope, it breathes new life in me. I can't say why, and maybe that perception is silly but at some point I need a reboot button and the new year seems to be it. I can't help but to wonder what this year will bring. Its overwhelming, promising, full of wonderment.
Stay tuned... 2011 should be a ride!

Snow Globe

That's how my life feels right now. Like a snow globe. I'm one of those little plastic people trapped in a little world. Sometimes I wander up, tap on the glass and declare "It's time to get the heck out of here."
I'm suppose to be uber confident in this huge leap of faith and instead I find myself hanging out in my snow globe,where occasionally someone picks me up and shakes me. Snow globes are volatile. You put yourself on a shelf- available for the shaking. The rattling of the cage if you will.
Here's what I'm learning about life in the snow globe. It's largely about Faith. Faith in the prayers you've said that haven't been answered. Faith in the people who surround you in your little world and Faith that at some point, you'll get yourself out of the globe.. and everything and everyone will stop shaking. Life will be peaceful again. Until then though, and here's the hard part, you have to have Faith that you're in the right hands.

Lessons

Having taken a sizable pay cut when Doug left Luk, it was certainly eye opening to see the lifestyle we were used to, just disappear. Probably the hardest was seeing the boys struggle to accept our circumstances. I am still struggling. 2010 hasn't been easy, not even a little bit. Its certainly easy to tell who your real friends are when you hit hard times. I don't suppose it was a secret about our situation, I seem to wear my emotions on my sleeve. This year has been choc full of battles. We have fought with insurance companies, pharmaceuticals,Luk,letting go of our home, downsizing vehicles, giving up whatever material object necessary. This year turned up more medical problems with Alex than you can shake a stick at. Alex turned 16 and realized he wasn't getting his drivers license. This family has dealt with every emotion known to man. I am exhausted.
The wonderfulness of this , is that situations like this really bring you to your knees. Every negative I just mentioned can be justified with a positive. Its silly to get so involved in the negatives. What I appreciate the most is the giving nature of some people. Not even in the most obvious. Its the friends who saw that we were battling the drivers license and maybe we didn't need to hear that their son/daughter had passed the exam that day. The friends who just comforted us.
The people that are enjoying a prosperous season and building homes , buying cars, and traveling but recognize the struggle with us and ask how we are and truly care.I don't mean to sound rude but when Alex is in the hospital, I probably don't care about the kitchen cabinets your thinking of buying. To every time there is a season, although it may seem like a drought , my heart is full and I'm learning more each day about WHAT is important and WHO is important.

Happy Birthday Alex!

Happy 16th Alex! I'm am blessed to be his mama!

I ramble

Its difficult for me to try and lasso my thoughts. Bear with me. Life seems to move at a completely unforgiving pace, much of that would be my own fault. It seems like society pushes us to put our kids into every imaginable activity, and schools push to educate at elevated, faster levels. Finding the balance has been difficult for me. Somehow through the rigourous schedules I feel as if I have lost contact with human compassion and values. I create the next "goal" or the next task to be completed and just keep moving. Its like I never stop to think "what are the consequences if I just keep moving", what human value have I completely ignored to acheive the goal.
I'm always surprised at how many families don't have dinner together at the table, ever. Somedays it seems much easier to dish the plates out and everyone dissappears to eat in front of the tv or video game. Somedays, it happens. I try really hard to keep that to a minimum. Anyways, my whole point is that so many times I get caught up in thinking that I "need" to do or have certain things to be happy. This last year has been a giant lesson in values, compassion, and epiphanies. We have lived with less income this year then ever. We have given up almost every imaginable material object, or downsized and its created a new attitude of gratitude . Its brought us back to realizing how unimportant certain things are, and truly how important it is to be a good person. The pace has picked up, but I need to figure out how to keep the balance.

Happy Birthday

Happy 9th Birthday Aaron! So hard to accept that my youngest turned 9 whole years yesterday ! Where o where do the years go?!

Exposed

I came across this by chance and I'm fascinated! Its called "exposed". The idea behind it is to stop criticising our bodies, or ourselves for the shape our bodies are in, and start to love and appreciate them instead.Check out the Exposed Movement to witness the power in these women!

Its a small world

Its always amazing to me how small the world is. Maybe it wasn't until I joined facebook that I discovered everyone knows someone you know. Did that make sense? Now I'm not writing about facebook , but about another strange reminder of how small the world is.
Let me give you some background knowledge. Doug has 3 brothers. 1 of those brothers passed away in a tragic car accident at the age of 10. His name is David. David was born Nov 9, 1964 and passed Sept 12, 1975. He is buried in Richfield township which is about 2 hours from where we live. With Alex having so many appointments in Akron these days we found it a good time to visit the grave. David doesn't have a headstone, or a marker of any sort . We called ahead and had the cemetery make a temporary marker so we would at least know where to look. I don't know the whys or details of the missing marker. The cemetery says there was never one placed and Doug remembers only visiting once or twice growing up, and never seeing a headstone. Since then they have removed some tree's and it all gets a little confusing. In fact, until last week , Doug didn't know/ or remember David's date of death. Not that he would have remembered , Doug was about 2 at the time of the accident. After pulling up the obituary it said that David was pronounced dead at Wooster Community Hospital Sept 12, 1975.
Here is where it gets strange. My birthday is Sept 10 1975 . So after asking my mom how long she had stayed in the hospital after having me , we discovered I was defintley in the newborn nursery when Doug and his brothers where brought to the ER . Doug had his ear stitched back on , you can still see stitch marks to this day. Who could have predicted that 18 years later I would meet Doug on a blind date? Its really bizarre, or at least I think it is.

Comfort

Sometimes comfort comes in the strangest forms. Yesterday on the fourth floor of Akron Childrens neorology department I found just that. It was like someone wrapped me in the warmest blanket on the coldest day. Quite honestly in a nuerology department you never know what type of patients you will encounter. There are some that the issues are obvious, some that aren't, and the in-betweens. Looking around the waiting room, it hit me. These parents and caregivers know exactly what I'm going through. Some have mountains to climb that make mine look like a small grassy knoll on the hillside. They are in that waiting room for a reason. Their child needs help. I'm embarrassed to say that as Alex gets older and restrictions get greater, I am angry. I think its natural that as a mother I want for him , what every child deserves, to be healthy. To be able to live a life without limits. Hearing the doctor say that he is "disabled" "handicaped" and will never be able to live an independent life is overwhelming. I'm not embarrassed, I hurt for him. Looking at the faces of the other parents in the waiting area, it felt a little like coming home. Somedays it feels like no one else understands what it feels like to be in the middle of eating dinner and seeing your child seize. Knowing that your child must take 15 pills a day to try and ward them off. Saying no to every activity that we take for granted. The list goes on and on. In that short 15 minutes on the fourth floor , I felt something I haven't felt in a very long time, comfort. For that, I am grateful.

where I've been

I haven't spent much time with my blog. This summer has been less then what I hoped for and time even shorter . So while I've been ignoring my blog a few things have been changing and happening. I turned 35 Sept 10, low and behold the girls from work whisked my away to a wonderful weekend at the beach. We visited Ocean City, Maryland. It was truly amazing. It was just what I needed . I know there aren't many seagull fans out there but my most memorable moments were spent hand feeding them potato ships and anchovies. I love those crazy feathered creatures!
We are adjusting into the new small house. If anyone has any storage ideas for closet-less bedrooms I'd love to hear them!! I can see I'm going to have to be creative!!
We also hosted the AU Offroad Labor day trail ride. That is something everyone should experience. Mud, Mud...and some occasional bugs stuck in your teeth. It was good for all of us to get out and drink up the sunshine, then finish the night off with some cornhole and a bonfire.
Andy has started football as you can see from my previous post. I have a good feeling about this for him. Alex and Aaron both started winter bowling leagues. Intresting note that Aarons team is all girls.... I think he planned that one!
We are also placing Alex in a tae kwon do class . It can help you to develop more self confidence. For example, the 5 Taekwondo tenets are:
Courtesy (Ye Ui)
Integrity (Yom Chi)
Perseverance (In Nae)
Self Control (Guk Gi)
Indomitable Spirit (Baekjul Boolkool)
Really excellent qualities to enforce during this time in his life.
Andy is also leaving for Alabama Oct 17. He is attending the space camp in huntsville.I think this will be an extraordinary oppurtunity for him and I'm excited!
More importantly then anything , Alex is going to his nuerologist Tuesday and we could sure use every postive thought/prayer/vibe that you all can send out.
Hopefully I will be mindfull of my blog and keep it updated :o)

Andy

This year has brought a new sport to Andy. This is his first year of playing football. I have mixed emotions about this sport but he has taken it and blossomed :o) He is becoming quite an amazing young man, I just can't figure out how he grew up so quickly!

a quickie

I've been thinking of ways to get into the witness protection program. Someway to change my locale and live virtually unknown. crazy you might call me. I say, " I'm tired " . The last month I haven't blogged has been hectic at best. We have finally made the big move to the smaller -then- what -we- had - house. Its good , the boys enjoy being surrounded by the woods and the creek. Its much easier to manage Alex's seizures on a one floor plan house. purging and rearranging things a bit more challenging. All in all ... its ok.
School has started back up for us, Andy and Aaron truly enjoy the routine and challenges again. Alex is being set up for 2 hours in school time 3 times a week and then the rest to be done at home online. With the doctors prepping Alex for pre testing for his possible brain surgery , making his school work accessible 24/7 was a must. Kudo's to Riverview for making it possible.
I hate to say summer is over and I haven't done anything fabulous, but this summer, this whole year so far has been chock full o changes. Some I am a bit stubborn to conform to. Its time to take order in my life, my world. Everything seem all kinds of
whoppperjawed!

The last few weeks

The last month has been like a roller coaster. I believe the last time I blogged it was about our hospital stay with Alex. I'm crazy-scared-pretty-sure-i'm-jinxing-myself by saying this but the new medications have cut Alex's seizures drastically. I say this with hesitation because we have tried medications that have been super for the first 3 months and then lost their effect. For now I'm taking this as a small victory. woot-woot :o)
This last week my Uncle Paul passed away. My extended family dynamics are a bit odd. Both sides of my family are of course Amish. I do have some Aunts and Uncles scattered throughout that are not Amish. My Uncle Paul was not Amish. I have ALOT of Uncles. I can count on one hand the number of Aunts and Uncles that I actually have a relationship with. Uncle Paul was one of them. To be honest , I haven't actually met all my Aunts/Uncles/Cousins. I bet your wishing I would get to the point :o)
My point is that I seriously treasure any relationship I have with my extended family. My Uncle Paul was one of those people you only had to meet once and you would never forget him. He had the biggest grin, and an incurable sense of humor. He had a way of touching people's lives without even knowing it. He had the most extraordinary sense of adventure and ability to live his life without fences. Anything was possible. I really want more of that inside me. His memorial service was perfect, just the way he would have wanted it. He will be missed by so many.
On a different note, as you know our black lab "sheba" passed away earlier this year. She was Alex's dog and in training to be his companion dog. Low and behold someone we know had a loved one pass away, leaving behind a 1 1/2 year old chocolate lab. Our friends traveled to Canada to pick up "Ruger" and bring him back for Alex. Ruger is an awesome dog, he fetches, he swims, he does all kinds of tricks. He bonded with Alex like he had known him all his life. Awww shucks <3 to sweet!
I guess I will wrap this one up. Its been a summer full of surprises, trials, and chaos. This is how we grow ...right?!

clarification

so ... after reading some of my last posts, I find it necessary to explain that I write these at night. After midnight , when all is quiet and my mind is jumbled. Hope Ya'll understand ;o)

and then...

We ended up in the hospital. Last Wendesday ( and yes we felt that darn earthquake )at Alex's nuerology appointment he started seizing. Thank goodness his DR is adjacent to Childrens hospital in Akron. They transported him right into a room and attatched a video EEG while he was seizing. From 5 until 9 , alex averaged a seizure every 4 minutes. At about 9:45 he developed a seizure that he could not come out of on his own. We gathered some valuable information during that time! Its the worst feeling in the world to see your child's body being racked with seizures but on the flip side , its exactly what we needed to have happen . I would like to have his EEG have shown some different news but it didn't . When he is seizing , it is all over his brain, not localized to the left or right. These kinds are much tougher to treat. We are now using a medication similar to Ativan , called Tranxene , to help regulate these "thunderstorms" in his brain. Its really more of a tranquilizer , but he has reacted well to it. We are down to 1 seizure a day so far... if by some miracle that holds true that is tremendous!! Some of you may be asking ... a tranquilizer? yes shockingly so! When he has gone into the seizures in the past, we have used Ativan in his IV to snap him right back to us. It works by decreasing unusual brain activity. After seeing Alex's EEG during a seizure , there is a huge amount of that happening. In fact , he seemed to be the talk of the nuero department as they had never seen such an incredible reading of brain activity . One doctor said it was like having a category 5 hurricane inside Alex's head, or a 9 or 10 on the Richter scale .
I know I need to take one day at a time with this. Alex's seizures are sneaky and sudden. He has strict orders from his nuero to do nothing unsupervised at this point. But having stayed on the 6th floor of the hospital for 3 days , I am humbled . There are so many other children with just devastating diseases and conditions. We will be ok , Alex will rise from this. The young girl next to him passed away while we were there and that was a an eye opener for Alex. He wept and prayed for the family. They filled the halls sobbing and it was almost more then I could take, my heart overflowed with what they must have felt. ahh yes.. I am humbled, overwhelmed and so very greatful for all my friends calling, emailing and praying for Alex.

The truth is ..

I am mad. Not the average mad, a deep brewing anger that engulfs me. I want to believe that somewhere inside is a measure of happiness. I can't find it right now. Our lives have been consumed by seizures. It has stolen not only from Alex, but everyone that loves him and knows him. I don't expect people to understand anymore, it borders on the brink of insanity.It breaks my heart that he isn't able to experience the simple joys that kids treasure. No sports, no driving, no amusement parks,no sleepovers... the list goes on and on! I've spent so many blogs ranting and raving about the things he can't do , I'm just beyond livid to a completely unhealthy level of rage. The guilt of having 2 younger sons that I feel as if I'm not there for is overhwelming and fueling my fire.
Our lives have changed so much over the last few months. Doug is on extended family leave, with Alex's increase in seizures Doug is just about the only person that can handle him when he shakes and convulses violently. I wonder; what do other families do when this happens, am I the only person in this situation? its a stretch to go from Doug's income to just mine. The health insurance we have is ok, but when your in the ER every week with a hefty deductible each time , it tends to pull. Not to mention weekly trips to Akron. Some day's I feel as if I am going to explode with rage , and utter helplessness. I am certain my knee's are raw and bloody from hours of prayer for answers and help.
Do I know that there are many other people in worse situations? YES. It doesn't make seeing your child suffer any easier. When is enough ....enough?

Lots of Updates!

The last few weeks are screaming by! I can hardly believe its summer and my kids are advancing yet another grade, now I've got 3rd, 6th, and 10th . Incredible!
So heres the long and short of it. Alex had yet another seizure this past Friday that resulted in being escorted by the Navarre PD to the Massilon ER , if you hear Andy tell the story , it goes something like this.. "dude we were going like 110" . Not quite the truth but close. A person doesn't have much of a choice when your in a car and someone has a seizure. I think the Navarre PD probably thought we were into some sort of criminal activity.. lol. They were awesome though! Zooming Alex through lights and getting him the ER in record time, I will always be thankful!! I wish I had answers for his seizures. I don't . They will be testing him soon for something called "Fragile X " He has most of the symptoms of this genetic disorder but a complete blood test and chromosome profile has to be pulled and examined to be sure. Doug and I will have to be tested too.
Andy and Aaron have been playing baseball , when its not raining that is. I've gotta say that the parents are so annoying sometimes. I wish the kids could just play and let it be that. I think I say this every year too!
This weekend was just a time to unwind, some very good friends of ours had a cook out tonight and the boys just got to go hog wild! I love days like this!

yes! I am alive

Call off the search party... I'm alive and kickin! I haven't abandoned my blog completely ...just long enough to catch my breath. Things here have been beyond chaotic, tis the season I suppose. Andy and Aaron both have 2 baseball games per week, and Alex has his Bowling team and Guitar lessons every week. Over the past month we have been doing extensive testing on Alex , trying to unravel the puzzle ever more. For the last few years we were told he had an Autism spectrum disorder, finally they do the test of all tests on him -- called an ADOS test for those of you who might be thinking about it... I say do it. --- It opened our eyes on how, when and if he functions. I've taken him to Akron childrens once a week for nearly the last 2 months. I hate the drive but think the care and progress is worth the 80 mile one way drive. Today we were there for an updated EEG , I had 2 1/2 hours of people watching while he was testing and wow... there are some intresting people out there. Thankfully the starbucks was open inside the hospital. Now if something were to show up on the EEG I would thrilled, sometimes.. anything can be the missing link so I am hoping for a strike of luck !
We are also looking for another house, a one floor plan that will accomodate Alex a little better. These seizures show up and the darndest times with his age and size I need to have him under my nose as much as possible. He would often time seize and fall in the shower, or down the steps and it made us think perhaps one floor living will have to be for us. Doug has plans on building a triple bunk bed for them. SSSSHhh... dont tell them !! but its not a typical triple bunk set, much better!
I've kept them all sleeping together so the other boys can alert us if he should seize, these new improved beds might help :o) ]
I guess thats it, busy as usual these days.
So thats it, just plain busy in these parts of the woods.

Irresistable

Lucy makes me smile when smiling feels impossible...

Lacey's Wedding

This weekend my neice's wedding , and what a beautiful wedding it was. It was every bit what fairytales are made of. Its hard to believe I watched her blossom into the young lady she is, where does the time go? So here's to you Lacey and Sam - We love you! I'm posting more pics on facebook.. there was an open bar.. need I say more?!

16 years!

In case anyone missed it on my facebook page.. yes ... today April 21st is our wedding anniversary. 16 years and counting <3

Baseball :The beginning !

This weekend was the start of madness! It began Thursday night with a game both that night and Friday night . Saturday produced 2 more games and Sunday we had 3 back to back games. I'm thinking we would have placed higher if our games hadn't been back to back however , we still captured 4th place out of 15 teams in our division ! Not to shabby with only a few practices under our belts!

words to remember

Insecurities are what make us,

Doubt is what breaks us.

Our flaws are our perfection,

And perfection is a flaw.

Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder,

No two people can judge the same way.

One man's treasure is another man's gold.

But what really matters is what you think.

Be what you want to be.

You don't need to be a celebrity to be an actor,

And you don't need to publish a novel to be a writer.

Do you want and live life to its fullest.

Life is just too short to spend wishing.

Dream. And if you are dreaming, you might as well dream big. But don't just dream.

Get out there and chase your dream.

If you never try, you will never make it,

Because a person misses every shot they do not take.

And remember that if you shoot for the moon,

You can miss and still end up among the stars.

Don't let doubt stand in the way of what you want.

Everyone has flaws.

The achievers embrace them,

But the fearful hide from them.

You're not a failure until you call it quits.

Everyone has the power to change the world if they put their mistakes behind them.

It only takes one person to push the human race forward.

But it takes a determined person.

One that is crazy and brave enough to think that they can and will make a difference.

Because those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that do.

Don't ever forget that you are one in nearly seven billion.

No one can replace you and no one can change the world in the way that you can.

Go and do what you have to do because only you have the power to speak the words on your lips.

The past and present are who you were,

But the future is who you are now and who you will be.

Your time will come if you let it,

And if you can conquer doubt,

All you need to do is spread your wings and it will be easy to fly.

Andys Mind ...

Andy who is 11 , was bored in reading class so he came up with this all on his own... kinda creative I thought!

what we've been doing

Its officially the start of baseball season, which equals crazy season :o) but we had such an amazing Easter weekend I wanted to share some of what we've been doing. If your not already a fan on facebook- you should stop by and become a fan of our jeeping club " AU Offroad " if your wondering what that stands for .. so am I . Could it be "Adkins Unlimited", or "hey you" with a southern drawl? lol just kidding but stop by the fan page to learn more. This year AU is sponsering a youth baseball team here in Warsaw.. all kinds of exciting things happening!Here are some pics of our Easter outing

The great mohawk debate

ahhh life in a small town is great... until you go against the grain. Recently Alex decided he would like a mohawk. I heem-hawed around it... not sure. I find it annoying that I actually care what other moms would think of me if I let him do it. Don't you know it? I let him do it and boy-howdy have I hit a nerve with some people. I think it's pretty clear how some parents feel about me. I am also happy to report that I don't care. Alex has always marched to the beat of a different drummer. He likes to experiment. Sometimes I draw the line, sometimes I think there is no harm in trying. Bottom line.. its my decision ... not anyone else. Respect...people.
I personally think he wears it well. I'm not sure I'm thrilled with it, but I sure can think of worse things to want.

out of the norm

Have you ever scrolled down the computer screen to fast and the perfect picture became nothing but colored streaks down the screen? Its like it all made sense and then something distorted the screen and it isn't at all what it should have been. Thats a funny way of saying how I feel about my world at this point. I have had some amazing moments of clarity in the last year. Maybe I've forgotten what its like to roll with the punches because there hasn't seemed to be any breaks between them. I have so much to be thankful for but wow I sure could use a break. I think its high time to forget about how people think I should be living my life. To finish off this short little post ...karma is a bitch! I have had to eat some in the last few months... but its ok..

inspiration

more decisions

Today we had an appointment with Alex's neurologist. Over the years we have exhausted nearly every medication available and every treatment out there. For some reason I cannot possibly begin to understand, Alex has been resistant to the majority of these drugs. His vagus nerve stimulator has been helpful , but not the cure all. So today his neurologist was very blunt , he increased the strength of his stimulator and gave us 2 weeks to decide the next step. There are some other medications to try but with serious side effects such as liver failure and bone marrow complications. Wow, don't even want to think about those. If you look at the flip side of the coin, what is and will his quality of life be like when he is having seizures several times a day? His doctor suggested seeing another specialist out of Cleveland for a second opinion to make sure we have gone down every road possible. That's a lot to chew on. I don't understand how its possible that there isn't a single medication out there to zap these seizures. so again I'm just frustrated... I just want an answer ... a fix it.

promising signs

This is an excellent sign that summer is on the way! Our first roasting of the Hot Dog happened this past weekend at Candys house! What better way to celebrate this wonderful weather then with some fire roasted hot dogs and smores ;o)

The little things..

My taste of heaven

Most everyone knows that music is not just a "like" for me, its a passion. There is pretty much nothing I do without music playing in the background, or blasting :o) I like it all, I'm not opposed to listening to anything ... with the exception of the heavy screaming metal death bands. My likes cross over every genre out there! Having said all that, I am a concert virgin of sorts. The only concerts I have been to are Pink Floyd in '93 ( I didn't even know who they were, I just went with Doug for kicks ) , and Maroon 5 several years ago . Its not that I haven't wanted to ... just had a few things I had to overcome! Soooo... Alex informed me that John Mayer would be in Columbus March 12. There is no one, nothing, that I like better then John Mayer. I don't care about his reputation . His music is positively amazing. Its not just music. Its like he crawled into my heart and wrote the story from it.

My friend Nikki and were just speechless at the incredible concert he put on. We lost count , but it was somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 songs on his setlist. The opening act was Spearhead, which I was surprised I liked as much as I did. Anyways, in my virgin concert ways , it never occurred to me they served alcohol there. So I only took in my camera and some dollars. Low and behold they wouldn't sell me alcohol without my ID. AHHH come on people... mid thirties girl here! So the girl next to us and her boyfriend offered to fetch us drinks using their ID. Is that illegal?! lol

Those Long Island Ice Teas go down pretty quick! phew! nuff said!

I have actual video of the concert, but alas, I seem to be singing with John Mayer.....soooo.. I won't be sharing that footage! Today my heart is still singing...

Happy Birthday To My Dad!!

Happy Birthday to my dad! My friend Candy and I built him this special butt hut for work! This should keep him out of the inclement weather ;o)

Ramblings

This week hasn't been very nice to us. I will never stop wondering why we can't cure epilepsy. Its like a hideous invisible visitor that shows up at any time. I've worked for the last 11 years to look on the "bright side" to see all the positives . I feel like a horrible person , as if I don't appreciate all the blessings; I am overwhelmed with sadness. I realize that over a million people suffer with epilepsy. I wonder why so many people can control the symptoms but it seems impossible to keep Alex's under control. It drives me to question every piece of food that goes into his mouth, every minute of sleep he gets, every ounce of stress he feels.. I question it all. I desperately search for the answers , anything that would help lessen the attacks.
My natural instinct is to be a "fixer" when something is wrong, I want to fix it. This is something I can't seem to fix and its making me crazy. I'm going to be honest , when I had babies , I would dream of all the wonderful things in their future. When something threatens to take away those hopes and dreams it brings out the ugly in me. I don't like it, its not who I am. Alex has actually started apologizing "mom I'm sorry for having a seizure" . Really? have I created that sense in him? have I made him feel personally responsible for something he has no control over. Today is Thursday, he hasn't made it to school at all this week. His muscles are so incredibly sore from seizing and his mind is tired.
Alex has had seizures for the last 11 years of his life. I still cannot describe the fear that grips me when I see him slip into one. I can't describe the gut wrenching helplessness that overtakes my whole being. I know I'm not paying attention to Andy and Aaron the way I should be. My mind is waiting and pacing for the next seizure to show up with Alex.
Today I'm mad. Today I feel ugly inside. Today is not a good day.

Meet Sheba

Meet Sheba... the newest addition to our dog farm ;o) She is a lab mix.. and so mischievous! We are teaching her to look over Alex and hopefully train her to alert us when he has a night seizure.

Chaos it is!

Ahh where does the weekend go?! here it is, Sunday evening already. Andy and Aaron have been gone a total of 10 days and it feels like triple that. I'm ready for them to be home and get back into the routine ( if there is such a thing ). As it stands right now, they are in Texas for the night. The 10 days they have been gone have been insane. In that short time period here is a brief list of things that happened

1. Our dog Lucky just literally fell over dead ( thank you gas station man for coming and digging a hole in the frozen tundra to bury him )
2. My sister has Pnuemonia
3. Alex has greatly increased seizure activity.
4. My friend had emergency surgery that I won't get into but was serious stuff!
5. Another friend fell and shattered her foot!
6. And yet another friend is dealing with so much family stress that my heart is just breaking for her.
7. Dougs jeep won't start
8. I tore the whole exhaust off of my Expedition... I actually like the deep growl it has now..not so much the Po-Po stalking me for sound violations.
9. I managed to get into a tremendous argument with the secretary at the elementary school.. ugh...
10. SNOW-- need I say more?!

Really I could go on and on... about losing my keys only to find them in the ignition, having the most difficult professor on the face of this earth, blah-blah-blah. On the flip side, I do have a fabulous bunch of friends that really look after me and make me laugh when it feels impossible.

Today we also decided to go back to church, it was with a gentle nudge that another mom , who recognized my struggles , suggested we go back together. That is exactly what it took for me to recognize that God has taken me to my knee's. The more I try to fix things the crazier I seem to make them. I'm not going to get all religious on my blog , I don't believe in cramming religion down someones throat. It's certainly a decision I'm glad I made and one that I think everyone in the family will benefit from . So here is to another chaotic week here in the burbs!

Wallowing

With all the snow, and just plain nasty weather I've found myself wallowing. Well at least I'll blame it on the weather. I'm angry at myself for letting me play pity party for poor me. How selfish and downright silly. I have so much to be thankful for , to look forward to, and be excited about. Something though has gotten a choke hold on my mind and I've been wallowing in self pity, self doubt and self absorption. I wish the grass didn't always look so much greener on the other side. From experience , I've crossed the fence to the other side and only found briar's . I can get so caught up in the "now" and instant gratification that its like putting blinders on a horse. Interestingly enough as I walked into work today the first song on the sound system was a Garth Brooks song, Unanswered Prayers. Hmm... how fitting for me and my mood this last month. I'm so easy to say I want, I want , I want without saying what can I give , what can I do to help? I'm not normally this self involved , so this whole mood change has really thrown me, I almost blamed it on menopause...but realistically its just me wallowing in my own mud. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be in the mud.. seems like the harder I work towards getting out , the deeper it drags me in. I'm hoping for a beautiful sunny day that will help me get up and out of the drudge , after all I really have other things to do but whine.

Matisyahu- One Day

I wouldn't forget!

I didn't forget ... honestly! My Andy turned 11 on January 23rd , I wanted to wait until I had pics to supply on the blog ;o) He is my fiercly independent little man and I truly treasure all the help he gives me!

Its been a long month

I suppose this post is a long time coming. January is always a hard month for me. Its dark, the weather is nasty and for some reason, it makes me not so happy. Its been a tough month , there just isn't any other way to put it. We have had some real challenges right here in Adkins-ville. The boys must be going through a phase, a challenging mom phase. It just seems as though everyone is wound to tight, and the smallest issues turn into modern warfare. I'm hoping its a very short phase, some days I really question my sanity. I guess the burning question in mind right now is that I wonder why there are some mothers who live in complete oblivion to their own children's behaviors. I'm not trying to open a can of worms, because believe me, my boys... oh lord have mercy, They are just plain rotten sometimes. ( and that's putting it nicely ) . Perhaps I have issues when my children are corrected by other peoples mothers who don't correct their own children. Fair to say that's my pet peeve. I just had to put that one out there.
As for everything else, I'm struggling and clawing my way through a psychology course , I only have another week to go thankfully. The final paper is a 5-8 page paper on myself. I really think they should have picked a different subject. I am having a terrible time writing about myself. Blah!
So as negative as this post may seem , I truly am thankful for all my friends who have dragging me and my debbie downer attitude along the way.

2010

The new year has started and it so hard to believe! I'm not into making resolutions as such, but I was thinking that its a really great time to examine the direction I'm headed in. I have slacked in posting to my blog the last month or so. Things have been crazy beyond words. Situations have arisen that have left me shell shocked and dumbfounded. Enough that I want to retreat to an isolated island. Preferably somewhere warm since its in the negatives here. One of the few bright spots in the last month was the trip to North Carolina over Christmas.
Having said all of that, I can say that this year I will try my best to improve my sense of awareness, and personal responsibility. I don't want the next year to slip by without knowing I have improved not only my life but the lives of others. I know that sounds like a tremendous mountain to climb, but I'm determined. Perhaps these situations have been presented to me to awaken me, to make me rise to the occasion . I don't know ... but I'm going to try.