I am mad. Not the average mad, a deep brewing anger that engulfs me. I want to believe that somewhere inside is a measure of happiness. I can't find it right now. Our lives have been consumed by seizures. It has stolen not only from Alex, but everyone that loves him and knows him. I don't expect people to understand anymore, it borders on the brink of insanity.It breaks my heart that he isn't able to experience the simple joys that kids treasure. No sports, no driving, no amusement parks,no sleepovers... the list goes on and on! I've spent so many blogs ranting and raving about the things he can't do , I'm just beyond livid to a completely unhealthy level of rage. The guilt of having 2 younger sons that I feel as if I'm not there for is overhwelming and fueling my fire.
Our lives have changed so much over the last few months. Doug is on extended family leave, with Alex's increase in seizures Doug is just about the only person that can handle him when he shakes and convulses violently. I wonder; what do other families do when this happens, am I the only person in this situation? its a stretch to go from Doug's income to just mine. The health insurance we have is ok, but when your in the ER every week with a hefty deductible each time , it tends to pull. Not to mention weekly trips to Akron. Some day's I feel as if I am going to explode with rage , and utter helplessness. I am certain my knee's are raw and bloody from hours of prayer for answers and help.
Do I know that there are many other people in worse situations? YES. It doesn't make seeing your child suffer any easier. When is enough ....enough?
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