Changes

I haven't been posting much lately, seems as though everyday has a new set of changes, a new challenge for me to figure out.Emotionally and mentally speaking I'm pretty sure the last week has handed me situations that have made me question everything that seemed good & stable .
What I can say is that, it has made me slow my pace , think about my life, my relationships with family, and friends. Who I need to be, want to be, and what I'm not.
Lately I've felt as if I'm just existing, going through the motions , treading water, just keeping my head above the waves. Until this week, the waves pounded at my heart, at my body, at my mind. Daring me to let it get the best of me. After the initial surge , I felt as if my eyes had been cleared , if even for a moment. It was clearer then ever who I didn't want to become, that I need to give the boys the wings they need to fly. Its been a battlefield inside my head, but I'm feeling better about the direction things are headed. Its never easy for me to see my friends & family struggle, or their heartaches, but it stirred something deep inside me that had been dormant for a very long time. Maybe one day I will have the right words to say in their time of need, maybe I will know exactly what to do to help .....

Wahoo ! Its Over!

Yes, the season is over! I really do enjoy watching Andy and Aaron play baseball, but there comes a times where I'm over it. Andy's team made it to the championship but ended up losing, I'm still so doggone proud of them! Andy also finished up the all star tournaments this weekend and yes, they lost every game they played, but again... darn proud! Andy has thread marks from a pitch that hit his elbow today , he is wearing that wound like a badge of honor.
Today was also the end of the season party for Aaron's baseball team, Aaron's coach would like to bump him up next year to the minor leagues instead of coach pitch. Ummm... NO. Aaron will be 8 in October but he only weighs 40 pounds soaking wet! We are talking about 9-10 year old boys pitching to my little man. The thought makes me cringe! Other than that conversation, we had lots of good food and let the kids run rampant, they needed that .
If anyone is wondering how Alex's horse experience went, it was awesome. He was on the BIGGEST horse I've ever seen in my life, I had my camera but ... didn't have the nerve to snap a pic... the horse's name was trigger... wonder if that means anything.... Next time though I will take some pics, I think Alex is a natural on a horse.
Now, we just have Andy's end of the year party to host next Saturday , I'm looking forward to more good food, some cornhole, a bonfire, and just plain relaxing!
I'm in complete denial that school starts in about a month. YIKES!

A Solid 5

I thought that when my boys were babies and needed to be fed at night , diaper changed, or rocked ,that it was exhausting. I remember collapsing into bed and sleep would take over. I anticipated the years where they would sleep through the night , and I would get that glorious night of sleep, just thinking about it was complete euphoria! Fast forward a few years and I would give anything to "just" have to get up at night to feed the baby or change a diaper. Now more then ever, sleep eludes me like a thief in the night. I find myself laying in bed , eyes wide open, mind racing into the next days schedule. Going over things I've forgotten . Feeling a rush of panic that my housework is so far behind . I listen for the faintest sound of a seizure creeping up on Alex. There isn't anything productive I'm doing during those wee hours of the night, our house is small and sounds carry, so all I would manage to do is wake up the entire household.
I know I don't function with all my cylinders running on the amount of sleep I get each night , I find myself making mistakes with the finances, appointments, work related things, even medications I have managed to mix up. This lack of sleep is wrecking havoc on me! Is a solid 5 hours of sleep asking for to much? I could have real potential with that much sleep under my belt!

one more piece of the puzzle

Its been awhile since I have felt the winds of change , or the smell of opportunity .With Alex's new diagnoses as " aspbergers ", it set me into a tailspin discovering all the clues I missed when he was younger . Hind sight is 20/20. I refuse to look in the rear view mirror. I made a promise , a commitment to him & myself when he was diagnosed at 4 with epilepsy that I would do whatever it takes to grow him into a strong, confident, successful man -regardless of his seizures. We have been blessed with extraordinary health care most of those years, so with the teen years here , I started noticing things I thought abnormal. We went down every road , trying to rule out certain things, while managing his seizures. That can be a bumpy ride...lol. I found a qualified doctor that explained all the symptoms of aspbergers and it was a lightening bolt being fired into my head . I get it. This made so much sense. We started 2 new meds that have given him a new lease on life. He is still very quiet, intense, clumsy, socially awkward is putting it mildly. He goes to a therapist twice a month , who helps him sort out all those strange things bubbling through his head. Ok, so I'm getting to a point here, recently we discovered a horse farm 3 minutes from our house that does therapeutic horse riding. So tonight we took him there to sign up , he not only signed up for lessons, he signed up to volunteer with the horses, taking care of them, & helping some of the more challenged riders. That's incredible, he was so touched by the horses, and of the physically challenged riders, that it made him step back and rethink his outlook on life. We have been refusing to let him feel sorry for himself, yes most of his friends are getting driving permits, and yes they can go to roller coasters. But in the big spectrum of life . how important is all that? just a glimmer of hope that he will bond with these horses and feel like he belongs and fits. Of course we all know he does belong , and fits. Its just a matter of having him believe that in himself. I won't give up until he feels it from the inside out .

Sunday Late Edition

Its been another crazy week and I haven't posted as often as I would have liked. Here is the basic update of things happening in our world. Andy's baseball team made it to the championship game but ended up losing the game, which we aren't complaining about . We are pretty dang pleased we made it to the championship game ;o)

The baby coon we rescued had to be released, he managed to cross over into the rabbits cage, and although he did them no harm, he looked like he could snap at any given minute.

Alex decided not to go to epilepsy camp this summer, the epilepsy foundation moved it farther away from home and he wasn't willing to be that far away for a week. We learned from last years camp that he really enjoys horses. We have been scratching our heads trying to figure out how to use that to our advantage. I have enough yard that I could have a horse for him, but I'm not willing to make that big of a commitment to such a large animal. What I came across is a horse farm only a few miles from me that specializes in horse riding and training kids with disabilities such as epilepsy and aspbergers . Eureka! He is going in tomorrow evening for his intake appointment. Programs like this give me incredible hope.
The 4th of July was gone in a heartbeat, we spent our day at Brian & Diane's , cooking out, playing corn hole, and basketball, letting the kids run rampant!

The next few weeks should slow down a bit , Alex will still be with his bowling league Wednesday nights, Andy has one more tournament to play in ,the boys have swimming lessons and we will have our big after party for the baseball team on the 25Th.

No , there isn't any earth shattering news to blog about, Just my life unwinding one day at a time