Letting Go!

After writing my last post, I felt as though I had really scratched the surface of something. I'm not sure I can even put it into words just yet. Maybe it was a realization that I really can't do it all. I would like to say that I cook my family meals from scratch, milk my own cows, kill my own meat,home school my kids, work full time, always give my boys the attention they need, that I don't ever raise my voice and say ridiculous things in the heat of the moment, I would like to have the laundry caught up and put away, I'd even settle for having clothes that match! The list could go on and on. The reality of it is, I don't want to kill my meat, I don't necessarily like homeschooling Alex, scratch the cows, I can do without the morning , evening milking. I have to ask myself why it matters so much , why would I want to do it all? where did I get the ridiculous idea that I need to do it all to be a successful parent, or adult? The truth of it is, I don't think I would last long being a stay at home mom with my kids all school aged. I feed my kids macaroni and cheese from a box, frozen pizza's, taco's, heck there are nights a bowl of cereal and toast is dinner. That's not to say I'm completely inept at cooking, but I'm ok knowing that I am not Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart. I like my house to be lived in , dog hair and all. I want to hear laughter, to relax, I don't mind making the dishes wait so I can grab a few minutes playing the Wii with the boys. This will all be gone way to fast , and I am fretting about not being able to do it all. We are never promised another day, and I could never forgive myself If I wasted even one more day waiting for the next problem or having feelings of inequality. Somehow its incredibly liberating to let go of those expectations. Whats wrong with just being authentic to oneself?!

Hanging On

It all started with glance in the rear view mirror and the sight of a fresh patch of gray hair. It hit me , lately I feel I'm hanging on to that one shred of frayed rope , just waiting for the next crisis to solve, the other shoe to drop, or the next fire to put out. I can't imagine its normal to feel this overwhelmed, this buried, this exhausted. Some days I stare in the mirror and don't even know who is staring back at me. I vaguely remember getting the younger boys dressed , packed and off to school, I vaguely remember waking up Alex , dispensing his meds , getting him set for a day of online classes. Vaguely. I'm embarrassed to say how much effort it takes for me to function some days. I can't face another mountain of laundry taller then me, can't face all the unfinished projects around the house, or helping with one more homework assignment. I am burned out. I can't pinpoint where it all went south. I just know I'm definitely in the southern hemisphere somewhere close to the south pole.

A weighty issue

2 weeks ago I ventured to the doctor for some final advice on my weight, I had actually contemplated doing bariatric surgery , and just needed some raw advice on what I needed to do.
I am at my highest weight... ever. Even 9 months preggers I weighed 50 pounds less then now. The doctors office did a battery of tests on me, surely someone at my weight would have health complications, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, ... something.. thankfully, I am healthy as a horse. Just fat. The doctor scratched his head in amazement that I had no other health issues. I will take that as a positive. Being this healthy though negated my qualifications for bariatric surgery. Now what? I cried the whole way home , I didn't have any answers, I wanted it fixed , now. Anyone who has battled the weight demon knows it doesn't happen just like that. I've been on diets before , losing 20 pounds and then regaining 30 and back and forth. The old teeter totter effect. Now its to the point where 20 or 30 pounds lost isn't going to be enough.
I'm not completely oblivious to what got me here, first of all, my genes are Amish, my momma knows how to cook a mean meal, we like our bread and real butter! My grandparents owned a bakery. The odds were so stacked against me :-) Suffice it to say, I know good food, I really really like good food.
My next battle was postpartum depression, I went on medications after each birth, and yep , gained weight on each medication. Even though I went off the medications years ago, the weight didn't go with it .
I'm not looking to be a crazy skinny size, I don't even have a number in my head weight wise. I just know I need to feel better, I need to be able to move better, and not feel so sluggish. I'm not willing to completely give up my pizza and pastries, but I have figured out that using the weight watchers point system is working thus far. I've lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks, and in that 2 weeks I've eaten pizza from the local pizza shop, cream sticks from an Amish bakery, and french fries from the fair. I'm not buying any weight watchers food either, I've just become ultra aware of my eating triggers and what I'm reaching for. I haven't been hungry and I don't feel like I've been cheated . Its to early to tell if this is going to be a complete success but I'm hopeful.