Alex

I don't often blog about Alex being Epileptic. Somehow I feel if I do , I am giving the seizures power. More power then they already have. Maybe in some ways I'm still frozen in time, stuck back in 1999 , still in denial that these vicious things called "seizures" could possibly have affected my child. He was 4 when they started and now he is staring 15 right in the eye. I'm not sure where the last 10 years went, he wasn't even in kindergarten and now he has started high school. It was so much easier when he was younger to protect him, not only physically but emotionally. Sometimes I feel as if I've been overprotective, and not pushed him out of the nest enough, and other times I'm pretty sure I should have been more so. I know now, that he is going to be hearing the word "no" to some pretty important things in the next year or so, not just from me but from his neurologist. It gives me a very large lump in my throat, and ache in my heart to know he won't be driving with the rest of his classmates, and that the names they call him when his body seizes hurts him more then any physical pain they could impart. I used to be able to protect him , I don't feel like that anymore. He is coming to the age where he isn't oblivious to what Epilepsy means for his future. Its raw and right there in his face. I hate having to wipe away his tears and not have answers for the "why me , mom?" What we talk about is this. We don't have time to sit and feel sorry for ourselves, we are alive, we can walk, talk, eat, drink, laugh, run ,we have all our limbs, we can see and hear, we are breathing! That's so much more then many others can say. Even though somedays my heart feels like its being ripped out of my chest, and it feels like I'm being washed out to sea, I will keep his chin up and his hopes even higher.

They make me smile

Me, the Enabler

Enabling, I've been lost in thought once again and trying to define a few situations in my life and somewhere out of the clear blue that word popped into my mind, and it was like the light had been switched on . I even googled the word to get a deeper meaning ... ( what did I do before I had google ? ) Seems like everywhere I look, it applies. I know I've been bombarding my poor blog with a whole lot of heavy "stuff" . The past few weeks have just given me a heavy heart . I feel as if I've been dragging the same issues with me for years and I need to shed them. Its so much easier said then done, where is the fairy with the fairy dust to make everything ok again?