Ramblings

This week hasn't been very nice to us. I will never stop wondering why we can't cure epilepsy. Its like a hideous invisible visitor that shows up at any time. I've worked for the last 11 years to look on the "bright side" to see all the positives . I feel like a horrible person , as if I don't appreciate all the blessings; I am overwhelmed with sadness. I realize that over a million people suffer with epilepsy. I wonder why so many people can control the symptoms but it seems impossible to keep Alex's under control. It drives me to question every piece of food that goes into his mouth, every minute of sleep he gets, every ounce of stress he feels.. I question it all. I desperately search for the answers , anything that would help lessen the attacks.
My natural instinct is to be a "fixer" when something is wrong, I want to fix it. This is something I can't seem to fix and its making me crazy. I'm going to be honest , when I had babies , I would dream of all the wonderful things in their future. When something threatens to take away those hopes and dreams it brings out the ugly in me. I don't like it, its not who I am. Alex has actually started apologizing "mom I'm sorry for having a seizure" . Really? have I created that sense in him? have I made him feel personally responsible for something he has no control over. Today is Thursday, he hasn't made it to school at all this week. His muscles are so incredibly sore from seizing and his mind is tired.
Alex has had seizures for the last 11 years of his life. I still cannot describe the fear that grips me when I see him slip into one. I can't describe the gut wrenching helplessness that overtakes my whole being. I know I'm not paying attention to Andy and Aaron the way I should be. My mind is waiting and pacing for the next seizure to show up with Alex.
Today I'm mad. Today I feel ugly inside. Today is not a good day.